Urinal Magic, Clowns!

Urinal Magic, Clowns!

Warning!

Sorry for the urinal fans out there but there are no urinals in this post.

I was sitting on the couch yesterday, having a conversation with my sister.  She mentioned that she had heard on the radio that there was a clown shortage (this is for real).  For those of you that do not know my family has a party rental/entertainment company.  So I wanted to see what this clown shortage was really about.  I Googled it and read the article.  Wow in 2012 there were 3,500 clowns, now there are only 2,500.   I must tell you that the shortage of clowns really has me concerned!

Ok, back to the conversation with my sister last night.  She tells me the story which she heard on the radio.  Of course, I immediately replied if we want clowns we need to stop electing them to Washington D.C.  Of course this got the chuckle that you would expect, but it is true we keep electing the most qualified clown to public office.  Soon the clown will be extinct.

I decided that I want to start a non-profit company to save the clowns.  We want to save the tree, whales, and every other thing on the planet.  I say let us start to save the clowns! First step is to stop electing them to public office!

Who is with me!

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The Urinal Runs Over!

This story really has less to do with as specific incident, then a urinal phenomenon. This issue is so bad that many restrooms have pads or floor covers in front of the urinals. I first noticed this many years ago, when I was a drinker(Don’t touch the stuff now). It is the ever growing puddle in front of the urinals? Come on guys we have been trained since we were young boys to hit the spot. Yet the vast majority of us still can’t seem to get the concept? 

More recently, I have made a conscious effort to figure out why this occurs(Some folks may say size)? What I have learned is this that many guys do not like standing in urine, I get that. Sounds really simple right? Well it’s simple when the urine puddle is small, we can over come the distance. As the urine puddle grows we can no longer ensure accuracy or distance. Which for those of you that still frequent the drinking establishment creates a problem. Correct me if I’m wrong(that does happen often) , but by the end of a good night you are shooting for distance, over a three to four foot puddle. 
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Now to how do I apply this to my thinking process? Well let me tell you in the Urinal Magic way. See I woke up this morning thinking about debt. My personal debt, and of course the debt of this great country that we live in. Imagine with me that debt was like the urine puddle. It starts with a few dribbles on the floor, and with out some maintenance it will grow into something really disgusting. Once it reaches the disgusting stage there is no easy solution. 

Solution for the dribbles are minor, in fact most of the time we can solve the problem with a paper towel. However once we get to the puddle stage you are going to need a mop and rubber gloves, bear minimum. In the case of the puddle that I’m loving call the national debt(with the government on a three day binge), we may need a full fledged hazmat team. There really is no easy way to overcome this without, drastic measures. 

Cleaning the “Public Urinal”-Cut government spending 
Personally I would start by cutting the income of the top 10% of government wage earners. I see spending as out of control and reckless. The folks that would be effected want us to do more with less, why are we not asking them to do the same. Reduce entitlements, I know this isn’t popular but either is the largest “urine puddle” in our nations history. Last but certainly not least pass a balanced budget amendment to the constitution. See these are drastic measures and at this point we must keep the urine off the floor! 

Urinal Magic, Poker?

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So I was sitting on the couch today thinking about what I should write next?  Ok, so really I was putting off school work as I am in my last class (the capstone) for my Degree in Management.  This really interesting thought, more like a concept came in my head.  At first I was not sure exactly how to write it but as the day went on, it all became clearer and clearer.  So here it is!

Four urinals sit down to play poker? Yes even urinals play poker at least they do in my mind.  So they are all sitting around one of those fancy felt poker tables (that visualization was exactly what I was looking for).  The thing is that they had no cards or “hands”, so as they sit there they began to come up with the a way to play.  One urinal we will call him Otto for the sake of conversation. Otto suggests that they use their individual experiences from the previous day as the substitute for cards?  One of the other urinals we will call him Manuel, quickly agreed.  So the game began,

Otto speaking up first said “Hey, I had two sets twins come into the restroom yesterday and I serviced them, so I have two pair!” 

Clearly Otto was excited and exclaimed “Beat that!”

The next urinal at the table was we will call Shorty, because he tends to be the lower urinal in the restroom that is often used by the smaller children.

Shorty proclaimed loud and boisterously, “I have you beat Otto, you see I am an auto flush urinal like you Otto, but I had one young man manually flush me yesterday! So clearly I have a Flush!”

The third urinal, whom will remain nameless for the simple fact that he decided to fold…clearly a boring urinal without an imagination (I never really liked him anyhow!).

Then there was Manuel…who so quickly agreed to the game.

Manuel jumps from his seat and proclaims “I have won the game!”  You see today I had the distinct pleasure of servicing the President of the United States!”

Shorty shouts “how does that beat my flush?”

Manuel replies “well since I am a manual flush urinal, and Mr. Obama appears to be straight and thinks he is royalty, I have a Royal Straight Flush! Clearly a royal straight flush beats everything.”

The urinals having had their poker night returned to their respective homes, Otto as he attached himself to the wall said “I sure wish I could be president, so I could do whatever I want!”  Instead the urinals hang there on the wall diligently serving the public!

Just a thought that I had...

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Urinal Magic...The Odor in The AIR?

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On Thursday of this week. I once again had a rest room experience that was odd. I was having a pretty bad day and my routine was slightly off. So my bathroom break didn’t hit until 9:30ish in the morning. I walked into the restroom and notices that their was a very strong odor( odor in a rest room is not a shock by it’s self ). I approach my favorite urinal and begin to do my business. Then it happened, when I least expected it.

There was a taller gentlemen using the other urinal stall(understand that I’m 6’2”) . In a moment the man next to me let one rip. Also not a shock, as men we often release our hot air during restroom breaks. The shocker was that the damn thing squeaked(It soundly like when you put grass between your thumbs and blow). I’m a guy, I fart and I’m generally proud of the fact. I often compare length and volume when I fart to others, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert.

That was not a fart it was like the last gasp of hot air. Which brings me to the point of this. Something else happened on Thursday that showed a last gasp of hot air. I knew it was going on but I didn’t put the two together until later that night. I return to my busy day and moved on from the awkward moment. Just so you know the day really didn’t get any better, in fact the whole day pretty much sucked.

I got home that evening and I was on my own. What I mean is the kids and Cathy had basketball so I had a quiet night to reflect on the day as I watched TV. I perused the news networks, to try to get up to date on the “Health Care summit”. Once again Mr. Obama showed his arrogance and ignorance to the issue. With the TV cameras rolling, he belittled and rudely interrupted anyone that did not fall in line. Of course the CNNs and MSNBCs of the world showed their true colors once again(I hate media bias).

What I saw was this. A room full of career politicians standing at their urinals, every once in a while there would be a squeaky fart that slipped out. Filling the room full of smelly hot gas. I don’t care what side of the debate you are on. Both sides have a big tall guy in their pocket spewing smelly gas into the conversation. This whole thing smells, and if you can’t hear the squeaky fart, and smell the stinky gas…well maybe you need to seek some medical attention.

Which led to this thought, does double flushing the urinal help remove the smell? I didn’t do the science on this but I think not.

Urinal Magic, Reflection?

Just finished writing this...thought I would share:)

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I walked into the restroom the other day.  I realized that I had not reflected on my conversations with my urinal as of late.  So that brings me to this little message.  I stood at the urinal on that very day looking into the shining surface of the pipe that ran down the wall towards the top of the urinal.  In this reflection I saw an old man, a man worn by struggles and strife.   Looking back at me was me!  I thought to myself what could it mean that after years of using the urinal I finally noticed myself in the reflection?  I thought and thought and could not come up with the meaning behind it all…oh and the fact that I saw an aged man in myself?

Today as I took one of my several restroom breaks, my bladder is old too.  I looked down, mostly because I didn’t want to pee on my shoes.  I saw it in the urinal another reflection of myself.  Not on the super shiny surface of the pipes, but instead in the actual urinal?  This time as I stood there washing my hands, I started to chuckle a little in the thought of that reflection.  Ok, I am sure if anyone else had been in the restroom at this time they would certainly thought that I may be insane!  Frankly, I wonder myself sometimes.

Ok, so the random thought that went through my head at that moment?  What if the urinal really could see, think, and talk like I imagine it can?  Just think? How many penises has that particular urinal seen?  I know with a great deal of certainty that it has seen mine at least six or seven times a day, five days a week, for the last three and a half years.  That is a lot of penis.  As this urinal reviews the days catch, does it laugh upon its view?  I surely do not know the answer as I walk away.  I open the door and I am lost in my thought, out of the direction of the urinal I hear a faint little chuckle… thinking to myself damn urinal!

Unrinal Magic, Ah?

So a few weeks ago I had another urinal experience thought you all may enjoy. It was a snowy day in Ohio, as a matter of fact it was the day before the Super Bowl. I was having a “great” day, and clearly because we are talking about my bathroom activity I was on my way to the restroom. I looked out the door on the way and noticed the snow still falling and the wind blowing, damn Ohio. I swung open the door approached my favorite urinal(yes I have a favorite don‘t judge me!). There it was in the bottom of the urinal?

It was looking back at me. I was shocked and slightly disappointed in someone’s effort to get a wish. I couldn’t believe it. So you ask what was it? It was a CANADIAN PENNY? Someone tried to get a full fledged wish with Canadian money. Come on folks don’t be cheap at the wishing urinal. I hope whomever you are your darn wish doesn’t come true.

So some dumb ass reached in their pocket and threw a Canadian penny in my “wishing” urinal. Maybe they wished for a Canadian win. Maybe they wished for Tuna salad on rye, Maybe they wished for health care reform(wouldn’t that just be a wish) or maybe it’s not a wish at all?

I’m sure at this moment you are thinking, Bob “What does health care reform have to do with this?” Great question! I wasn’t really sure myself when I first saw it. Today it came to me as I was eating my lunch. I’m watching the News as always, and enjoying my very healthy salad. It hit me…BOOM! Like a bolt of lightening, In turn I couldn’t wait to get home today to tell you all about it.

The Canadian’s have social health care, which looks really good on paper. I mean who wouldn’t want free heath care right? I would and I’m a “crazy extremist conservative”. I have heard many folks over the years that have say“ If it’s free it’s for me” right? The problem is that now we have Canadian’s coming across the border and hiding their pennies in public restrooms(clearly the only rational reason for them to be in my urinal). There social healthcare program is running out of money and the Canadian’s are now using urinals throughout the US as piggy banks?

Unrinal Magic, Screwed?

The strange urinal activity continued today? I’m not sure at what point the urinals started to communicate to me, but they have? Weird I know right, like Nostradamus type stuff. I can’t even believe I’m telling you all this, but I’m not crazy it is really happening. Well maybe I’m a little crazy, but not locked up in a rubber room crazy. Of course today’s urinal activity may have been a direct answer to my “wishing urinal” activity of a few days ago!

The urinal has spoken folks and has revealed the truth about the future to me. My wish on Wednesday was for true transformational change in America. I want to live in a county where freedom reigns, and we are not bogged down by political bullshit. Basically I’m a get the government out of the way so we can grow and be the best that we can. Clearly not the direction we are headed in currently.

Enough already about politics. As some of you read early this week I was finding change in the urinals at work? The last few days the change has slowed. I guess there has been less wishes, or maybe the urinal was just taunting me? I’m not sure which but what I can tell you, I saw the future yesterday in my “wishing urinal”. (My urinal is a wishing well and a crystal ball who would of thought?)

So I walk into the restroom after lunch yesterday, someone was using the stall I usually us so I was put off to the next one. There it was down in the bottom of the urinal clear as day! I was shocked and a little startled when I saw it there, but it’s meaning came to me immediately. I still pissed on it but none the less, it was enlightening.

What was it you ask? It was a stubby screwdriver? Yea a screwdriver…and the enlightenment continues. I believe that we may be SCREWED! Yea, that was my first thought when I found out who won the Presidential election and my first thought when I saw the screwdriver. Do you think that was a coincidence, I think not! The urinal is showing me the future and it had no CHANGE , it just had a screwdriver! Cheers! 

Urinal Magic, Wishing Well?

So today it came to me in a private moment in a public restroom. As some of you know I work in a public business. So I use the public restrooms quite frequently…some might even say excessively. Over the last year or so I have noticed a strange but increasingly more frequent issue. Let me just say it, it’s freaking weird. 

I have noticed several urinal phenomena over the years, but this is different. There is the strange but every growing puddles, there are the gum flushers, and there was a time when I worked in New York I spent a day talking to a associate about the unbelievable amount of calcium build up in one. This is different! 

So what in the world is it that has me all messed up? It’s MONEY! Today was the straw that broke the camels back as they say. I began to pee and looked down( Yes I can see over my big belly) there it was in the bottom of the urinal a pile of change. So my first though was what a waste in today’s economy. Then the light went off! 

It was a culmination of months of urinal interactions and observations. As men we only have a few private moments in our life, and restroom time is one of them. We don’t want to be seen wishing or hoping for CHANGE in public space. So we have become closet “wishing well user”(substitute well for urinal)! To be completely honest at that moment I realized the true extent of our problem. 

You ask me “What problem?” Well we are using urinals as wishing wells…Right? Our Government is spending money like water…Right? We are flushing our money down the drain…Right? At that point I reached in my pocket and grabbed a dime, threw it right in the urinal and made a wish…Any guesses what I wished for? 

Hint: It has to do with CHANGE!